Confessions of a backsliding Vegan

Where to begin....(sigh), how do I (sigh),

Well,
I have been taught confession is good for the soul and while that may very well be the case, it doesn't mean it feels so good while you're doing it. In fact, I'm kinda feelin like it feels if you've ever been constipated. You know, that severe, if I could just get it out and be done with it kind.

I've been away for nearly 7 mos. What have I been doing? How bout, what have I not been doing?
I have not been living nutritionally any way in the manner that I vowed to, that is healthy, natural & raw.

I found myself making choices and decisions based on my circumstances more than my health in these last months. I have paid dearly for it. Weight gain, fatigue, slow growing hair, lack of radient glow & old age aches, bad attitude, all of which were eliminated in my earlier nutritional diligence. While I didn't return like a "dog to its vomit" and eat meat, I might as well have! Cause I dang sure ate everything else!

Every time I chose to put some unhealthy, man engineered concoction into my mouth, I could hear this little voice speaking to me and saying, "don't do it"! "love yourself"! "you're gonna pay!" and yet, I pushed the food past that voice and into my mouth. As time continued on, I felt worse and worse. I began to fall deeper and deeper into a mental fog, discontentment and dislike of myself. Yes, I wore my "happy face", but my heart was far from smiling. I was daily confronted with the lie I was living whenever looking into a mirror or passed by a shop window. Every time I observed an elderly person who was physically so broken down and on a gazillion medications, I would be reminded of the direction I was taking my body and myself and that if I didn't stop, well, you know.

It's like being a smoker, I mean, they all know, that they're dying a slow death, yet, they do it anyway. After while, I didn't even make excuses for my nutritional backslidings. I just gave up.

I knew when I found the vegetarian (raw) lifestyle, that it was God's leading for my betterment. Somehow, I felt I had let Him down, and certainly, myself, because after all, He gave me this wonderful gift of nutrition, that proved over and over how good it was for me, that is my temple.

You know the funny thing about being a backslider though? If you've ever had a real conversion to something really powerful--that is life changing, you are changed. You clearly know the difference between the before's and afters. You can't get away from it no matter what you try to do. It's as though it became a part of your DNA, and in fact, in the case of good nutrition, it does, its like once you know better, "you can run, but you can't hide!

Somewhere in the Bible, God Himself states, "I am married to the backslider". Thank goodness! See I was genuinely converted in my "rawness" or better yet "healthy lifestyleness"! I entered the marriage of good nutrition & physical stewardship and understood what I had chosen. As low as I got nutritionally, my "husband"(good health & diet) kept wooing me. I could never get away from the truth of what I had learned! Slowly, I began to find myself longing for it like a forlorn lover, missing the only true love I'd ever had. The result of this longing was me crying out to my God and asking Him to empower me fresh to live proper for Him even in my diet.

While I know that I am not under any form of bondage with regards to my diet. I also understand now, that when God graces one with truth on a matter, there is an obligation to uphold that truth as best as we know it and as best as we can because it brings honor to Him and because He saw fit to entrust us to shine that truth to others. This is a gift from God. (selah)

I am back. I have refreshed my commitment but in a new way. One which I believe to be more sober. I am making a steady "raw" recovery. I have regained the discipline to exercise daily, and to slow down and think before I choose. As far as my "rawness" goes, I have chosen to eat mostly raw. I will eat some dairy(limited to some cheeses, eggs & yogurts) I still choose to stay away from meats and thank goodness, that was always settled. My biggest enemy "processed sugar" I have decided to eliminate all together, choosing natural healthy alternatives in the form of fruits & fruit products in moderation.

While I can't call myself a "raw vegan" any longer, I can call myself "healthy and getting healthier"!

One more thing my backsliding taught me, that is that I can discern the good from the bad. I have to take each day at a time and consciously choose to do what's best for my body & life. Jesus gives me that power! I am grateful that He is married to the "backslider" and me, well (smile)

I choose to live.