Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Confessions of a backsliding Vegan

Where to begin....(sigh), how do I (sigh),

I have been taught confession is good for the soul and while that may very well be the case, it doesn't mean it feels so good while you're doing it. In fact, I'm kinda feelin like it feels if you've ever been constipated. You know, that severe, if I could just get it out and be done with it kind.

I've been away for nearly 7 mos. What have I been doing? How bout, what have I not been doing?
I have not been living nutritionally any way in the manner that I vowed to, that is healthy, natural & raw.

I found myself making choices and decisions based on my circumstances more than my health in these last months. I have paid dearly for it. Weight gain, fatigue, slow growing hair, lack of radient glow & old age aches, bad attitude, all of which were eliminated in my earlier nutritional diligence. While I didn't return like a "dog to its vomit" and eat meat, I might as well have! Cause I dang sure ate everything else!

Every time I chose to put some unhealthy, man engineered concoction into my mouth, I could hear this little voice speaking to me and saying, "don't do it"! "love yourself"! "you're gonna pay!" and yet, I pushed the food past that voice and into my mouth. As time continued on, I felt worse and worse. I began to fall deeper and deeper into a mental fog, discontentment and dislike of myself. Yes, I wore my "happy face", but my heart was far from smiling. I was daily confronted with the lie I was living whenever looking into a mirror or passed by a shop window. Every time I observed an elderly person who was physically so broken down and on a gazillion medications, I would be reminded of the direction I was taking my body and myself and that if I didn't stop, well, you know.

It's like being a smoker, I mean, they all know, that they're dying a slow death, yet, they do it anyway. After while, I didn't even make excuses for my nutritional backslidings. I just gave up.

I knew when I found the vegetarian (raw) lifestyle, that it was God's leading for my betterment. Somehow, I felt I had let Him down, and certainly, myself, because after all, He gave me this wonderful gift of nutrition, that proved over and over how good it was for me, that is my temple.

You know the funny thing about being a backslider though? If you've ever had a real conversion to something really powerful--that is life changing, you are changed. You clearly know the difference between the before's and afters. You can't get away from it no matter what you try to do. It's as though it became a part of your DNA, and in fact, in the case of good nutrition, it does, its like once you know better, "you can run, but you can't hide!

Somewhere in the Bible, God Himself states, "I am married to the backslider". Thank goodness! See I was genuinely converted in my "rawness" or better yet "healthy lifestyleness"! I entered the marriage of good nutrition & physical stewardship and understood what I had chosen. As low as I got nutritionally, my "husband"(good health & diet) kept wooing me. I could never get away from the truth of what I had learned! Slowly, I began to find myself longing for it like a forlorn lover, missing the only true love I'd ever had. The result of this longing was me crying out to my God and asking Him to empower me fresh to live proper for Him even in my diet.

While I know that I am not under any form of bondage with regards to my diet. I also understand now, that when God graces one with truth on a matter, there is an obligation to uphold that truth as best as we know it and as best as we can because it brings honor to Him and because He saw fit to entrust us to shine that truth to others. This is a gift from God. (selah)

I am back. I have refreshed my commitment but in a new way. One which I believe to be more sober. I am making a steady "raw" recovery. I have regained the discipline to exercise daily, and to slow down and think before I choose. As far as my "rawness" goes, I have chosen to eat mostly raw. I will eat some dairy(limited to some cheeses, eggs & yogurts) I still choose to stay away from meats and thank goodness, that was always settled. My biggest enemy "processed sugar" I have decided to eliminate all together, choosing natural healthy alternatives in the form of fruits & fruit products in moderation.

While I can't call myself a "raw vegan" any longer, I can call myself "healthy and getting healthier"!

One more thing my backsliding taught me, that is that I can discern the good from the bad. I have to take each day at a time and consciously choose to do what's best for my body & life. Jesus gives me that power! I am grateful that He is married to the "backslider" and me, well (smile)

I choose to live.


  1. Miss Yna, where have you been all of my life??? It was truly a blessing to meet you, and to read your blog. I too, have fond memories of being a much healthier me. The only difference being, i took a seven YEAR hiatus rather than a seven month, wow right? The desire to return to a healthy lifestyle has been weighing heavily on my heart, but was coupled with doubt, fear, and shame. Meeting you felt like the confirmation i needed to stop procrastinating, listen to heart, and believe in ME once more no matter how great the undertaking. I can and will do this!

  2. Hello Blessing!
    The pleasure was all mine! I believe God has great & wonderful things in store for you! Let Him be praised as you restart your journey spiritually & nutritionally! You will succeed this time & I declare that this time it will be permanent. Shalom to you, now watch His love & grace in you grow! Miss Yna

  3. Glad to see you are back! Keep in touch.

  4. Thank you, its feeling good to be back too! I will be in touch! Shalom

  5. Thank you for sharing your story and being so open and vulnerable. Glad to hear you're working your way back to a healthy lifestyle.

    What an encouragement you are.
    And yes, the Lord is so good in His grace and power He gives to us.


  6. Thank you for visiting! It's so awesome to meet up with like minded persons, I am encouraged that you are encouraged! :) Blessings to you and your beautiful baby! Miss Yna

  7. I have been a raw vegan since August 2012 and recently backslide to organic dark chocolate that wasn't raw a few nights ago after a phase of backsliding... less fresh air, getting away from my desk, excersise, no journaling, less praying... YUCK I let the cares of this world get to me by stuffing more stevia on raw veggies in my mouth instead of opening my mouth and casting those cares on HIM!! Lots of work and stress related stuff raising my genius 16 year old with autism and letting others' opinions or lack of acknowledgement get to me (why do I feel I need more attention/encouragement? Talk about confession!!)I loved your post,--first time on your website. I'm in South Central LA at my church they're going to host a Farmers Market!!! Mrs. Yna, you are a blessing. Shalom--nothing missing nothing broken--we can do this!!!
    P.S. I'm such a dessert girl! I still have my raw chocolate bars EVERY night, but always have... Any replies would be greatly welcome. Need support.

  8. I was vegan for a full year.Going raw seemed to be quite a challenge and when I failed at that I backslid to vegetarian. Thank you for posting!